Quite Punny

* Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

* A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

* A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

* Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

* Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

* It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

* I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

* My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

* The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

* If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed ...??

* John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

* Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

* I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

* A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?", he asks. "No. I'm the chip monk", he replies.

* Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.