Jan 19, 2016

More Puns For Educated Minds

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians able to settle here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection....you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I needed dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey shaker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

14. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. A backward poet writes inverse.

17. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in-ten - did!!!!

Athiest And Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian ? '

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Jan 9, 2016


लेती नहीं दवाई "माँ",
जोड़े पाई-पाई "माँ"।

दुःख थे पर्वत, राई "माँ",
हारी नहीं लड़ाई "माँ"।

इस दुनियां में सब मैले हैं,
किस दुनियां से आई "माँ"।

दुनिया के सब रिश्ते ठंडे,
गरमागर्म रजाई "माँ" ।

जब भी कोई रिश्ता उधड़े,
करती है तुरपाई "माँ" ।

बाबू जी तनख़ा लाये बस,
लेकिन बरक़त लाई "माँ"।

बाबूजी थे सख्त मगर ,
माखन और मलाई "माँ"।

बाबूजी के पाँव दबा कर
सब तीरथ हो आई "माँ"।

नाम सभी हैं गुड़ से मीठे,
मां जी, मैया, माई, "माँ" ।

सभी साड़ियाँ छीज गई थीं,
मगर नहीं कह पाई  "माँ" ।

घर के चूल्हे मत बाँटो रे,
देती रही दुहाई "माँ"।

बाबूजी बीमार पड़े जब,
साथ-साथ मुरझाई "माँ" ।

रोती है लेकिन छुप-छुप कर,
बड़े सब्र की जाई "माँ"।

लड़ते-लड़ते, सहते-सहते,
रह गई एक तिहाई "माँ" ।

बेटी रहे ससुराल में खुश,
सब ज़ेवर दे आई "माँ"।

"माँ" से घर, घर लगता है,
घर में घुली, समाई "माँ" ।

बेटे की कुर्सी है ऊँची,
पर उसकी ऊँचाई "माँ" ।

दर्द बड़ा हो या छोटा हो,
याद हमेशा आई "माँ"।

घर के शगुन सभी "माँ" से,
है घर की शहनाई "माँ"।

सभी पराये हो जाते हैं,
होती नहीं पराई "माँ"

Worries End Where Faith Begins

A very poor woman with a small family called-in to a radio station asking for help from God. 

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman. 

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large amount of foodstuffs and take to the woman. However, he sent it with the following instruction: "When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil.'' 

When the secretary arrived at the woman's house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received. She started putting the food inside her small house. 

The Secretary then asked her, ''Don't you want to know who sent the food?''

 The woman replied, ''No, I don't even care because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys!