PUN-TASTIC

Very innovative..........puns for fun. Read along................

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colour. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

Scien-terrific.

Some great scientists were invited to a reunion ...

* Newton said he'd drop in.

* Socrates said he'd think about it.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

* Volta was electrified at the prospect.

* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

* Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

* Hertz said he planned to attend and suggested greater frequency in the future.

* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

* Heisenberg said he was not quite certain..

And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!!!!!!!

Funny Howlers

This is a must must read... promise you'll fall off laughing...

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...


Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

Higher Studies

A cow was kept for viva spotting:
 

Answers from medicos.

Pre MBBS - it's a cow!!

Final MBBS - perhaps this is a cow!!!

MD - Four legged animal with horn & tail, may be cow or hypopigmented buffalo!

DM - this may be a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies. Possibility of being a cow cannot be ruled out. Suggested DNA studies for further evaluation...

Moral - Higher studies kills your common sense.

विश्वास

 यह कहानी एक आदमी कि है जो एक लम्बी हवाई यात्रा करके आ रहा था।

हवाई यात्रा ठीक ठाक चल रही थी तभी एक उदघोष हुआ कि कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें क्योंकि कुछ समस्या आ सकती है। 

तभी एक और उदघोष हुआ, " मौसम खराब होने के कारण कुछ गड़बड़ी होने की सम्भावना है अतः हम आपको पेय पदार्थ नहीं दे पाएंगे। कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट्स कस कर बांध लें।" 

जब उस व्यक्ति ने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो पाया कि वे किसी अनिष्ट की आशंका से थोड़े भयभीत लग रहे थे। कुछ समय के पश्चात फिर एक उदघोष हुआ, " क्षमा करें, आगे मौसम ख़राब है अतः हम आपको भोजन की सेवा नहीं दे सकेंगे। कृप्या अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें ।" 

और फिर एक तूफ़ान सा आ गया। बिजली कड़कने और गरजने की आवाजें हवाई जहाज़ के अन्दर तक सुनायी देने लगीं। बाहर का ख़राब मौसम और तूफ़ान भी भीतर से दिखाई दे रहा था। हवाई जहाज़ एक छोटे खिलौने की तरह उछलने लगा। कभी तो जहाज़ हवा के साथ सीधा चलता था और कभी एकदम गिरने लगता था जैसे कि ध्वस्त हो जायेगा।

वह व्यक्ति बोला की अब वह भी अत्यंत भयभीत हो रहा था और सोंच रहा था कि यह जहाज़ इस तूफ़ान से सुरक्षित निकल पायेगा अथवा नहीं। फिर जब उसने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो उसने पाया कि सब ओर भय और असुरक्षा का सा माहौल बन चुका था। 

तभी उसने देखा कि एक सीट पर एक छोटी सी लड़की सीट पर पैर ऊपर करके आराम से बैठी एक पुस्तक पढ़ने में डूबी हुयी थी। उसके चेहरे पर चिंता की कोई शिकन तक नहीं थी। वह कभी-कभी कुछ क्षड़ो के लिए अपनी ऑंखें बंद करती और फिर आराम से पढने लग जाती थी। जब सभी यात्री भयाक्रांत हो रहे थे, जहाज़ उछल रहा था तब भी यह लड़की भय एवं चिन्ता से कोसों दूर थी और आराम से पढ़ रही थी। 

उस व्यक्ति को अपनी आँखों पर विश्वास न हुआ और जब वह जहाज़ अन्ततः सुरक्षित उतर गया, वह व्यक्ति सीधे उस लड़की के पास गया और उसने उससे पूँछा, कि इतनी खतरनाक परिस्तिथियों में भी वह बिलकुल नहीं डरी और एकदम शान्त किस प्रकार बनी हुयी थी। 

इस पर उस लड़की ने उत्तर दिया, " सर मेरे पिताजी इस विमान के चालक थे और वो मुझे घर ले जा रहे थे।

ऐसे ही अगर हम भगवान पर विश्वास करे तो हम कभी परेशान नहीं हो सकते क्यूंकि भगवान खुद वायदा करते है कि आप बच्चे बस एक कदम बढाओ तो मै आप बच्चों की तरफ हजार कदम बढ़ाएगे।